About hugs, departure and 30 hour transit period

While I am writing this I am somewhere between Frankfurt and Singapore. Closer to Singapore though. I have 2 seats for my use (pulled out the hand injury card and got excellent seats, something good out of useless thumb) and just woke up after 4 hours of sleep which is my all time record during a flight and am enjoying excellent service of Singapore Airlines. At the moment I am listening to Diego Garcia, feel good music that makes me feel light. Typing is quite slow as loosing right thumb out of my 8 finger-typing-system makes me paralyzed to write with four instead of seven. But I have time, lots of it.

I started my trip from Helsinki about 15 hours ago. I felt totally surreal and numb. Numb because of all the goodbyes (or not really goodbyes but see you instead). My last week in Finland was pretty exhausting; I was living like it was the last week of my life. Met a lot of people, spend time with nearest and dearest and tried to capture everything inside my heart & head to carry with me. Not to forget all the packing. The upcoming move to OZ finally sink in last Thursday and I fell into the ”lopullisuuden perätila” (sorry, does not really translate). I felt I am leaving things for good/permanently/forever although I am not. I slightly flipped and panicked. Sometimes I wish I was less emotional…you know, for the sake of keeping things in context. I think I need a lamplighter (like in The Little Prince) to help me keep the lights on.

And no news here, I have cried a lot. A lot lot. I have been in an emotional roller coaster of pre-missing things & people and excitement of the new spiced with the minor fear of the unknown. My eyes are tired of crying. I have also hugged a lot. A lot lot. A lot even with my standards. The hugs of goodbyes (or not really goodbyes but see you instead) are exceptional. They were exceptionally long and emotionally packed. They were the "last" moments (see, this is what I mean with lopullisuuden perätila) of saying f2f how much the person means to you. Saying I love you and take care and I love you again. I had prepared that leaving little people was the worse but really it was leaving my brother. He said ”Bye dear little sister, love you, will miss you, take care, enjoy your trip....a long one...and see you in a year”. I crashed and realized I'm not able to see him and his family for a year. I need to manage at least until next summer to enjoy the traditional Sundays at their place, playing with little people and getting the only warm meal of my week. Buu.

Dad took me to airport. He is super calm and rational. He makes sure I do not get too dramatic. Before departure to long-haul flights I always get this fear of flying. No exception here, I got afraid the plane will crash. My dad is a pilot and I am secretly pre-afraid of flying. No idea why. With dad I can fuel in safety. He reminds me about statistics, ensures me the airline I am flying with is a good one and the aircraft too. We have had this conversation tons of times. And tons of times he has explained how airplanes really stay in the air...the thingy of different pressures between upper and lower part of the wings. And I still don’t get it. I think my dad is slightly ashamed; his daughter has an academic degree and does not understand how the concept of airplanes works. *Blond*. But luckily my fear always vanishes when I get onboard. Then I actually enjoy flying and feel safe, even with turbulence, like now.

Now I am in between countries, I belong nowhere. I am also homeless, half-way with my 30 hour transit period and smiling J I think it is good I need to travel 30h to my destination. It gives me enough time to digest what is happening and time to settle for the fact that I am taking a lot of distance and entering into a new period of my life. I love the time I have. Love my little space of two seats and the opportunity to read, write, sleep, eat and enjoy good music. So far I have had Jenni Vartiainen, Adele and Diego Garcia on repeat, my official power music with good emotional stamps. Stamps that make me smile. Seili.

I also have two books with me. Eat, Pray, Love and Lonely Planet for Queensland and the Great Barrier Reef. Eat, Pray, Love just in case I start to lose faith on the way and no fellow passenger is a) talking to me b) thinking it's awesome that I am moving to Australia. I read the book couple of months ago and it resonated. It’s full of clichés and the movie sucks (except Javier Bardem, movie is worth watching if he’s in it) but the book resonates. I am Liz. I haven’t needed the book yet because my faith is solid and the Swedish girl sitting next to me (she’s going to Bali and planning to learn to surf) thinks Australia is the coolest place on earth and I will enjoy my life to the max. Also ended up chatting with a guy @ Frankfurt airport and after hearing my plans he asked if he could please please please jump into my suitcase. I needed to say 'no' because my suitcase is already on the way, packed with my clothes and personal stuff and I have 20kg luggage limit with my tickets. Disappointed he was.

I got the Lonely Planet just before my departure. On Tuesday morning I had “last breakfast” with my dear girls (thanks Anti for throwing me back to the lopullisuuden perätila ;) ) @ Tin Tin Tango. At some point I told Katri I haven’t read a single guide book about Australia. So she came for a surprise visit and bought me the book. Guide to Queensland AND the Great Barrier Reef because I have on my to-do list to go scuba diving. The foreword heading of the book is “Destination Queensland”. It says I am on my way to a paradise. Not bad. I think I better start studying…with the breakfast they are now starting to serve.

Half the way and smiling :)

//Ansku

PS: This is published from my hotel room after 4 hours of idle time in Singapore, 8 hours flight from Singapore to Brisbane, much needed 3 hour nap that accidentally extended to 5 hour nap and meeting up with dear Kaija. I am on my bed watching Kung Fu Panda and eating home-made cinnamon buns Kaija brought me. All is good.

About promises and priorities

Keeping new year's promises has never really been my virtue. I have promised not to fall for ice hockey players (back in 1990's. Figure skater syndrome) - FAIL until 2001. I have promised to quit eating chocolate - FAIL (permanently). I have promised to exercise throwing a ball as much as it takes to get the "natural" wrist pronation to help me with tennis serve - FAIL. I have promised if I ever have kids I will let them throw people with snowballs for them to learn the right throwing technique so if they start to play tennis they won't be struggling with serve and losing games because of double faults - N/A. I have promised to have a bi-weekly non-alcoholic Tuesday during 2010 - FAIL by accident in March 2010. Just to mention few.

I think I might have a problem with promises, I have been told I do. Not meaning New year's promises here...although with the track record listed you might see a problem with those also. Last autumn I ended up having a conversation about this with Anne (not my mom Anne). Anne is a brilliant woman (my mom is too). She has been my official support for the past 9 months and I owe her big time for being here now about to make my dream come true. She's my once a month mirror who is not letting me get away with myself easily. Anyways, we were talking about the anatomy of promises.

Anne: How do you see promises?

Ansku: Well first of all there are two kinds of promises, ones made for others and ones for yourself.

Anne: Do you see that promises made to others are somewhat different from those made to yourself?

Ansku: Of course, the promises made to others are of priority! I also think it's easier to keep promises to others than it is to yourself.

Anne: Why?

Ansku: Because in my opinion it's more important not to let your friends down. You know, others first then yourself to make sure people around you are safe and sound.  I have actually said that the purpose of my life is to take care of other people and I really am in a wrong job with the type of work I do today *bright eyes and a smile. End of conversation isn't it?*

Anne: What about you? Who do you think is responsible for your wellbeing and you getting what you need?

Ansku: I am...I just think it's less important...

Anne: Why?

Ansku: Because...ööööööhhh...shitshitfuckfuck...you got me! *smile*

So there it was violently in my face, a big lesson about myself. So, I made a promise (see, again, I have thing with this) to learn(!) to take care of the fact that I keep myself, my promises to self and my wellbeing as a priority in life - I promised to take care of Ansku because otherwise I am of no help for anyone. Both of the mentioned things go way beyond the anatomy of promises, I think those go to the very core of being you and living your life. I could quote my friend Laura here "there is a reason why in the airplane you are advised to put the oxygen mask first to yourself and only after that assisting others". To the point. Priceless.

From this master piece of Ahaa!-experience in October 2010 jumping couple of months forward to new year's eve in Barcelona. There I was, with my dear friends Aki and Elisa in their beautiful home @ de Valencia con Rocafort where I felt so warmly welcomed to. I had just failed to eat one grape per last 12 seconds of the year (a weird Spanish tradition idd), mouth filled with half eaten grapes, tears falling (because the turning of the year was somewhat emotional) I declared that next year this time I will not be crying and I want to move to a country where wines, avocados and hot surfer boys are not imported. Period *Please give me tissues to wipe my tears and let the party continue* I think no one took this seriously, or more so anything I said during the best new year's party of my life (thanks all) yet only 3 months later I had signed a contract with Accenture Australia and submitted my 457 visa application. Tadaa!

Although I joke about it I am not saying all this has happened just because of my mixed feelings-drunken-cryish-new-years-promise to have a  big change. I have been dreaming of doing something like this for ages, have just missed the guts to really act on it. I have missed being the priority to make it happen. Right now and here it is easy to say that things in life happen for a reason. The good ones and the ones that hurt. Literally speaking I am not really sure if things happen for a reason or if those things just force you to take a closer look about your life, your values and the choices you have and pick the one that feels right (emphasis on feels). Anyways, I see a lot of pieces in the puzzle finding their place. There is a great mix of consequences, people, right timing and personal energy to make this real. And most of it I owe for the great people in my life. With the love and support I've been receiving (always thankful) it is quite easy to be a little adventurous and brave. I need to be adventurous to follow my heart and find out why I am so restless here. I need to be brave to live up to the promises I made. And most importantly I am learning...learning to BE.

Love,

//Ansku

PS: This is published from my moving box fortress and my keyboard getting slightly wet with tears...out of pure gratitude <3

About first blog posts and (boring) practicalities

Iiiiiiiiik, this is my first blog post ever. How exciting. It is Tuesday June 14th, I am 31 and about to write my first post. Welcome to the 21st century Ansku! Welcome to read Drama Queen's Land Weekly. Yay!

About the Blog name: I owe big thanks to my friend Kaisa for the idea :) It came up on a sunny May afternoon @ Karaportti, the externals corner, the home of all creativity *joke*. I was wondering out loud what would be a good name for the blog to both reflect me and my upcoming adventures in Australia. Kaisa had a 30 sec quiet moment and said Drama Queen's Land Weekly. YES! The baby has a name.

Those who know me better see nothing odd in it. Those who think I am calm & steady, oh well, you'll see. But anyways, I am referred as a Drama Queen for being slightly dramatic (name originated @ Skumppajoulut 2008, thanks to my dear friend Anni who kindly opened my eyes for  this minor “blind spot”). I am moving to Queensland in two weeks, fourteen days that is! Also, I think writing once a week is a proper frequency so Weekly beats Daily. There's the logic for those of you who didn't get it in the first place ;)

To write in Finnish or in English, there I had a problem. Still have a bit. Pros and cons with both. To write in Finnish would be more natural as it is my dear mother tongue. It's easier to capture feelings with Finnish, more words, more variety. On the other hand, couple of times in my previous life I have had the situation of needing to express my feelings in english, and I can promise you, the problem was not in finding the words!  Finnish would also be suitable as a "code language" if things get rough 'n tough. You know, to open up BIG TIME. Google translator does quite a poor job in translating to Finnish, so I would be safe and sound there.

But then again, I have bunch of dear friends who do not speak or read Finnish and think it is all jibberish. Friends who put my Finnish Facebook status updates in google translator and send me "WTF is going on" emails afterwards. Also, I must be looking forward. If I would write only for friends in Finland it would be a bit narrow. Most likely, my Aussie friend group will be super international, and it would be great to share my blog with them too (See, I am optimistic of making new friends there. Friends who can read!!). Last but not least, we Finns talk pretty good English (even my Mom), so no one is left behind.

So at this point I will be writing in English. *disclaimer* All rights reserved to write in Finnish if just feeling like it. Enough argumentation to make my point?

There it is, my very first blog post. Hih! Too practical topics IMO, but one needs to be practical with big things like Blog name and language? Next time something more me, promise :)

Pusuja…or what one is expected to say here?...stay tuned! Xx

//Ansku

PS: This is published with a glass of champagne and excellent company :) WIN